On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
