I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
