Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
