the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
