So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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