i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize