god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
