i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
