My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
