I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize