I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's blow job season.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
