I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i believe in u and ur pee
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
