Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Congratulations! We have a period
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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