I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
