my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
