right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hippo gnu deer
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize