Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
