you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I love having hate sex.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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