I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
