my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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