so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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