if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
