your parents love me but you hate me
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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