I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
