My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
