There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
