Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
