Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
