mondays should just be called national damage control day
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Mom said you looked used
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
