omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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