i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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