Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
