peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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