I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
