Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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