just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
