Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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