Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
