My liver just broke up with me...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize