Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
