We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
