I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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