He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
