I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
