capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
