we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
