she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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