Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Randomize
