Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
