oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
