My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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