You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You smell like stripper and shame
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
