True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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