You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
