Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
