mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
