mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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