I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
