apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
well most of my day revolves around power hour
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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