i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
